Gucci Buyer

☼ Can you write about a trip to the ZOO that includes 6 of these phrases?

1. Lions and tigers and bears, oh, my!!
2. I’d walk a mile for a camel. (Anyone remember that old commercial?)
3. The monkey jumped on my boyfriend’s head and relieved himself.
4. The gorilla tapped on her shoulder and _________
5. Some of the animals got out of their enclosures……. Call the police!!!!!
6. My friend cried and cried when the condor made off with her Gucci bag.
7. Officer down! Officer down! A wild ostrich attacked Sgt. Gillispie!
8. Who are you guys……. The Keystone Kops?!
9. The lion shall lay down with the lamb……….. but the lamb won’t get much sleep.
10. We interrupt this program with a special bulletin: _______________.

My boyfriend (soon to be fiance) George took me to the local zoo to propose. I know it seems like a strange place to go to ask someone to marry you, but George and I were animal lovers. In fact, we had met at the zoo exactly one year earlier, so coming here again had some sentimental value for both of us.

As we walked through the front gate, George was cracking corny animal jokes. I told him that my feet were already sore from walking too much. He replied, “I’d walk a mile for a camel, but it’s only a few more yards, darlin’.” “Ha ha,” I said, “You’re so funny I forgot to laugh.” He made a silly face. “What’s gotten into you today?” I asked. “You,” he replied. He told me later that he was going to pop the question as soon as we got down to the aquarium, but we never made it.

As we neared the bear exhibit, we noticed a wizened old man in a dirty white robe wearing a sandwich sign that read REPENT! THE END IS NEAR! He dropped his bag of popcorn and George stopped to help him pick it up. “Thank you son,” said the man. “What’s your name?” “George” replied my boyfriend. The old man stared at him with an odd expression. “Well, mine is Noah Isaiah and it’s time to get the animals in the ark. Repent, son, and learn to swim!” Then he walked away. “What was up with THAT?” I said, looking over my shoulder at him. George shrugged. “Kind of creepy, huh?” he asked. As we walked a little further, all hell broke loose.

Up the pathway came two gorillas and a capuchin monkey. “Whoa!” yelled George, pulling me off the path. One gorilla stopped at the concession booth. The woman at the booth hadn’t notriced him yet. The gorilla tapped her on the shoulder and grabbed a bag of fries out of her hand. She screamed hysterically. The gorilla screamed back, then planted a wet, sloppy kiss on her mouth. We were so enthralled with the scene in front of us that we didn’t notice the capuchin until it was too late. The monkey jumped on my boyfriend’s head and relieved himself. Goerge grabbed for the monkey, but he was too fast. His hand came down on primate poop. “Arrrrghhh!” he yelled, “I’ve been slimed!”

Meanwhile, the concession lady was on the phone. “….some of the animals got out of their enclosures….call the police!” Noah Isaiah reappeared, intoning, “the lion shall lay down with the lamb….but the lamb won’t get much sleep.” He grinned maniacally and held up both hands, making the “peace” sign. OMG, I thought, Richard Nixon meets Rip Van Winkle! “That crazy gomer!” said George, “he let the animals out!” Noah Isaiah went skipping down the walkway and disappeared into the elephant house. “What next?” I asked. “That guy has slipped his trolley!” Any minute now I expected to see him marching critters into the Good Ship Lollipop.

Sirens were wailing in the background. A few zebras galloped by, followed by one mean looking ostrich. Suddenly, about a dozen cops were running toward us. Three of them collided with an elephant that appeared out of nowhere. I stared counting more animals. Two kangaroos. Three penguins. Someone let out a strangled scream. A cop ran the opposite way with the ostrich in hot pursuit. The ostrich executed a flying kick and he went down like a sack of potatoes. George whistled appreciatively. “You veddy good, Grasshoppah!” he said in his best Chinese impression. Thai Qwon ostrich made eye contact with another cop and the chase resumed. “You veddy much chop suey now, coppah!” said George. I gave him an elbow in the ribs. Another cop was on his walkie-talkie. “Officer down! Officer down! A wild ostrich attacked Sgt. Gillespie!” George walked up to him. “Who are you guys….the Keystone Kops!?!” he asked, half laughing. We stopped at the men’s room and George rinsed most of the monkey poop ouf of his hair. Then we ran like wild ostriches until we got to the car.

As we drove away, an announcer on the radio said, “we interrupt this program with a special bulletin. There is PANDAmonium at the Holbrook Zoo. Apparently, a BATTY visitor has let most of the animals out of their cages. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! But seriously, folks….” We switched it off. “Unbelievable!” I said, shaking my head. Just then, a large bolt of lightening shot out of swollen, gray clouds and it began to pour. “Time to get on the boat!” George said cheerfully. Absently, he began to hum the song about the three little fishies. “Did you realize what you’re humming? I asked. “Yeah,” said George with a wicked grin. “I did it on porpoise.”